So much to say, So much to say.

Today had a lot of people in it.

Squishy Berea, happy to be grabbed and held first thing in the morning. Eager to run with me Natalie. Helpful Jesse. Ray who cried a little bit when he tried to tell me how much Linda loves me. Linda. Dressed up, sweet, kind woman who said I looked pretty. And all those amazing faces at the Women's brunch. Lara Macfarlan, with the articulation of a Senator's wife, for sure. And Vicky Dees. Vicky Dees. Vicky Dees. 250,000 have visited her blog already and you should find out why. Denise Cerda, my super-sweet, super-young friend from Wal-Mart. Oh, before that, Amanda from Amandromeda.

Also, I had two coats with me at once today while hanging out with myself. What is THAT about?

Then lots of people I checked out at Walmart. Then Renee...who I'm pretty sure just escaped a Flannery O'Connor short story. I can't tell you her stories, but those are the ones that really filled me up. I am exhausted, but I just wanted you to know I have stories and they're so good. Everyone around has better stories than they think.

Also, I think Christmas was a bit more private, when it actually happened, with Baby Jesus and all, than it is now...everyone talking about what they got and who they got it for...

This was eventually about Christmas.

you know how the top of the Mocha always tastes the best? i usually don't even add sugar til my whipped cream's gone. and i try, try, try to make it last but usually it's gone 1/4 of the way down. So. This blog post will not be like that. You will probably not notice you've enjoyed it til it's almost gone.

I wrote this the week after Thanksgiving.

so I was thinking about Christmas and how small it was, when it happened. I was on a run and it was cold and warm at the same time and raining and totally accosted at everyone's sudden throwing up of their outside Christmas decor in a matter of 24 hours, it seemed. And really i love the lights and all the shiny and all the nostalgia and all the color and all the unfounded cheerfulness that Christmas brings. I totally perused Walmart's Christmas section AS it was being installed. Lingered. But what occurred to me this morning was that the birth of Y'shua was completely Unobtrusive. "No room here? Fine. We got this." And BAM, all the hosts of heaven (probably millions of millions, like all of China in Angels or something) make an appearance. So, I see this tension...most of earth ignoring his humble arrival and Heaven doing exactly as Heaven always does. And fastforward to today, to right here in my little town, my little world, what I feel around me: such an intentional re-creation of the Glory that the Angels shared in that we kind of take up all the space in a room, too, and seriously, the baby and family and vulnerability of God goes unnoticed. Of course, Heaven always worships. And maybe, if you're out just tending your sheep or really really really seeking Truth, we might get to prepare ourselves a bit and bring whatever our best is. Dangit. This blog is so the opposite of what I meant to convey.

Unobtrusive. That is all. And I just want all my "celebrating," all my changing of the decor in my house, all my gift-giving or making and all my 'holiday baking' ... all of that to be in that same spirit of just taking up the space that's necessary, that's available. just being what you need to be to those who are humble enough to receive.

i am still trying to get my head wrapped around this. i just know that generally it all feels like "too much" and still not enough. i like a good party. i love a pretty room. i love love love so many Christmas carols, its not even funny. Obtrusive Aside: if you haven't discovered Sufjan's Christmas album, you should. But somehow, I think Christmas should be some continuation of business-as-usual for the Christian, definitely a re-set, a "hey, THIS is why we do this stuff! Look at how our God declared 'good will to men'...look at how the most random folks were a part of the big story..." but not a giant attempt at making up for all the selfishness from the rest of the year...That's His job. And our Gift.

Also, it occurred to me that He probably did not mean for His birth or the celebration thereof to make anyone feel 'poor-er'...which is the phenomenon I have observed. In myself, too. The pressure to have a "Good Christmas." I think if He wanted us to feel that He would've definitely gotten a room at the Inn, probably the nicest one, and only the wise men with the nice presents would've been allowed to see Him. But the angels invited the Shepherds who were just doing their regular graveyard shift. So, Christmas Epiphany (pun intended): Come, get close to God, while He gets close to you. Sacrifice and offering He does not require. Just whatever Him being there, suddenly, is doing to you...that's what He wants...

Will Run for Food

So, I've been thinking. I really love food. And I really hate diets. And I'm getting fat. And the only thing I've ever been any good at in the exercise realm is running. One foot in front of the other, go as slow as you want, just keep going and enjoy the scenery. I used to run around Lake Fayetteville a lot. Once I did it three times in a row and several times I did it twice in a row. I don't know, I guess I had a lot on my mind then. I probably didn't have kids, come to think of it. But I am sick of using that as an excuse. I have a double jogging stroller and I'm not afraid to sue it. So...

I really want to do a marathon. I hear talk of it among my friends and wonder, just wonder, who out there is the socially-motivated type and would do it, if they had, say a pack of girls to do it with? I've decided being an individual is totally overrated. Being with people that THINK you're an individual, now that's where its at ... No, really, I am just a highly-social animal and I'm just sayin', wouldn't it be easier to do something this hard with some other people you could complain about how hard it was, to? But still go out and practice together and stuff.

Also, I really want to memorize something from the Bible because...I hear it makes Scripture come alive to you, when its such a part of you like that, and it makes sense. So, I was thinking. Marathon...Philippians...lots of allusions to 'running the race,' etc...

So, as I pictured our climactic ending which is what you're supposed to do with your 'better stories' you've imagined for yourself, I pictured a lot of girls wearing the same t-shirt, running for the same cause, memorizing Philippians along the way. Wouldn't that be FUN?!!!

Now I just need to pick a "Cause."

Zee Bebes

Time for an update on the babies.

Berea is giving kisses. Leaning in and opening her mouth wide and just touching her lips to whatever part of your face is near. With me, she likes to incorporate the occasional nibble, but that's cool. A second ago she kissed Anderson for the first time.

Their interactions have been pretty sweet, lately. She also grabbed his hand and held on, and he held on and said, "She touch my hand!" He seems to be realizing, along with the rest of us, that she is a little person with initiatives all her own.

Last night she may or may not have said, "Da-dee." We were saying it over and over to her and then it sounded like she said it. Of course she knows who everyone is and looks at them when we say their names to her. She actually says Momma but that's usually precluding a fit for nursing. She just now said "nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh" to the cat after the cat tried to bite her. A little wordsmith, she is.

Anderson has begun calling us "Jesse" and "Tee-Teen" on occasion. We're not sure how we feel about that. Also, he has begun requesting his jacket before going to sleep at night. "I want my jacket!" He calls, after being tucked in. Wakes up with it still all zipped up. He begins most sentences with "I want" or "I need" these days. Who doesn't?

New Year. New Name. So There.

I want to be a better blogger. Donald Miller says you have to want something to make a better story. So I want something that will tell my better story, better, and hopefully that will make a better story in the end...

My friend Sara Neufeld is the best blogger. It's because all her blogs contain at least one simple story from her actual life. And she always includes a picture.

My mom and I went to Jay, OK last Tuesday. I usually hate that drive, but the gray, expanse of poverty that is Eastern Oklahoma, was finally bearable with her there, telling me stories of her life and the people in her life that are somehow in my life now. She is a really great story teller. One of her stories was about my biological half sister Sara and half brother Shane. (I hadn't seen my mom in 28 years and had no memory of her at all...she found my aunt on Facebook the day after my 31st birthday...the rest is too much for parenthesis).

So, back to the story within the story within the blog.

Shane was around 9, she said, and was at the store to spend some birthday money. He, being a very intentional 9-year old was deliberating over which toy to buy: something big or several somethings small...and, after about 5 minutes of waiting for her brother to walk in a direction, Sara plops down in the aisle, takes out 5 of her brother's Hot Wheels from her little girl purse and plays. Wish I had a picture for that.

But, I do have a picture of my Mother playing with my daughter in the Jay McDonald's.

We both ordered regular coffees, since the Espresso machine was being cleaned (happens between 2-3pm, if you're ever in Jay!). I like 4 creamers, 4 Splendas. She opted for 3 creamers, and only 1 Splenda, just to give it a try. And cookies! McDonald's has cookies now!

Simplify Your Holidays, if you want...

So, upon recommendation of a much wiser and cooler mom than me (Starts with Jo, ends with Anna Reid...), I'm reading a book called "Living Simply with Children." I got it last night and read the last chapter first to testify to my consumer-mentality...can't wait to finish something, you know? Turns out it was the most timely chapter, though, as it advises on how to actually do what you really want to do to celebrate Christmas and not a thing more or less. Of course, I always wanna get my friends to do this stuff with me! So, if you're interested, the first step to a simpler Christmas is to do some Soul Searching, says the book. Here are the questions you're supposed to ask yourself and your family:

1. What did you love most about Christmas as a child? sights, smells, sounds, feelings
2. What do you enjoy about Christmas now?
3. What do you want your focus to be during the holidays?
4. Describe your "perfect" Christmas.
5. What aspects of Christmas do you truly dislike? Possibilities here might include in-law gift exchange, the whole Christmas card ordeal (amen!), traveling to three relatives' homes on Christmas Eve. Then again, these may be your favorites.

Then, you're supposed to summarize all this into two lists of "Keep/Add" & "Get Rid Of/Change".


Some websites, if you're curious:

http://www.simpleliving.org/
www.adbusters.org
www.simplifytheholidays.org
http://www.newdream.org/holiday/index.php
I'd be interested to know how any of my friends are 'simplifying' this year. And I'll post what we come up with.

Potential Career Paths i.e. Ways You May Find Me Embarassing Myself:

So, mostly this is just a list for me to keep all the latest Dreameries in my head straight. They are more "Dreameries" than "Dreams" in that they are being Dreamed, like at Cold Stone, the Cream is being Creamed and is therefore a Creamery...

These are all the things I could be...someday...or someday sooner than that. These are things I'm thinking about doing so often that they make me sick that I'm not doing them. So I will write them down in hopes that maybe it will make something happen.

So, I guess I should come out with the fact that I've decided me and the Two Year Old need some time apart. He has demonstrated his willingness to move on by his sudden interest in three-year-old blondes. Sylvie, Azura, and now Sicily (he has a thing for unusual names, apparently, as well) have all been subject to his amorous attention--being followed around a room, randomly held against their will in a side bear-hug, and in Sicily's case, a relentless desire to feed her grapes and popcorn. Many a poor girl has received my judgemental SAHM-eye when telling me they just "can't imagine staying home" and to them, I would like to say, I'm kind of sorry. I'm sorry because NOW I feel you, but also, I'm kind of annoyed still by you that you didn't even give it a try, at least get to know your kid a bit before you decide they'd make you miserable, but then again, maybe its better not to go there...? but all judgemental eyes aside, I am ready for some (this phrase makes me kinda queasy to eek out) Me Time.

Part of what helped me conclude this: I left Anderson with Amanda and her two girls on Tuesday to take Berea to a dr's appointment and when I got back he was FINE. Can you believe it? Approx. 5 hours away and Nothing Happened. Except a trip to the park, a walk around the block, sidewalk chalk hopscotching, and apparently an encounter with a Dinosaur, he later shared with us at dinner. And he seemed so happy when I got home!

Ahem. Dreameries. Here goes.
Hem Me In. The name of a sewing shop I want to open in downtown Siloam. The name is taken from Psalm 139. I imagine starting out doing alterations, etc. with the hopes of designing and sewing Clothes I Would Wear. And hopefully, you would too. If you're a girl. Ideally, the shop would be a little sliver of a building in between two other shops. To further illustrate the name, see. And how fun would it be to also pedal interesting/vintage/rare fabric outta there? Ok, so this is the dream that is currently closest to my heart and furthest from my reach. But me and this dream: we're in love. And I could probably do this with minimal Other People Raising My Kids.

Beauty School Not-Drop-Out. I really only kinda want to do this, so that's why I emphasize not dropping out. But I can see myself talking to lots of different gals all day long and making them like their hair. And getting to smell all those chemicals and perfumes all day. I walked into Sally's the other day, and you'd think I opened the door to a bakery, it made me so happy. Meghan, my sweet friend with superior hair and hair-fixing supplies, appeared to become ill. Also, I hear they make lotsa money, even tips during school. Cash, as Anderson calls it. So, I can imagine Jesse bringing the babies by the shop in the evening and him asking, "Mommy Cash? Mommy Cash? Muffin!" Cause they would be on their way to the coffee shop, of course.

So, my options here are to put both babies in some form of daycare. EeeK. And probably an unfamiliar form, as we will probably rely on government funding to be able to afford it. Double EeeK. And I still really can't imagine doing this with Berea. She is only eight months old and I don't think I'm ready to let someone else see her first steps, hear her first words, etc. Ugh, I miss her already, thinking about it. Does anyone know of any bring-your-baby-to-beauty-school programs? As I mentioned earlier, I think Anderson would actually enjoy being away from Momma some during the day, but Berea's just hitting Stranger Anxiety stage, and I think it would be No Fun for either of us.

Some of you knew about me wanting to be a teacher. I don't know what grade, really, but I was thinking maybe Kindergarten or 3rd and so I looked into the JBU Advance Education program and it turns out I have a GPA of 1.6. Eek, how embarassing. Anyway, obviously, I have some classes to re-take in order to be admissable into that program. It would be a pretty ideal schedule, just one or two nights a week away from home for a couple years. And I guess my options are to take the classes I need to make up (about 9) at the UofA or NWACC. This is probably my most respectable option, as far as education, I'm just having a hard time with the long-termed-ness of the plan. While it would provide for some out-of-the-house time, it wouldn't provide immediate income, which is a desperate need around here.

Also, I thought about just getting a plain ol' jobby job. Hobby Lobby offers $10 an hour and would maybe hire me this time of year. Again, is it worth the time away from the fam?

Also, I have a Mary Kay business that is sinking fast. I wish I knew how to get my poor friends to make me rich. But it just ain't happenin. Sorry, Mary, you did your best. I, on the other hand, probably did not.

Hmmm...what else, in the dreamery...OH, if I were a teacher, when I became a teacher, I thought it would be fun to write and illustrate children's books in the summer. Using stories and photographs I'd taken of my kids that year. I guess I could be doing this already?

One last dream: a little bakery. That delivered desserts at all hours of the night. This one developed while watching "Stranger than Fiction," probably late at night.

I would love to hear my sincere friends' sincere thoughts on these early morning meanderings. Thank you.