I love when Anderson plays with my engagement/wedding ring as I read to him. It has six diamonds on it, all spread out across three different strands of white gold criss-cross. I've wondered what the significance of the six diamonds are but more than anything, I just found it to be oddly beautiful. I knew I wanted it the second I saw it and I didn't even know the price tag--I just knew I wanted it. Similarly, I knew I wanted Jesse very soon after meeting him, maybe when I finally 'saw' him--a part of him that felt like only I could see and appreciate and that made me want to make him mine. Listening to the JUNO soundtrack he bought me for Christmas, this morning, I heard a line, "Remembering when we first met...I knew I wanted to make you my pet..." and the girl's sweet, sultry twang made the pet allusion fine with me. It seems so long since I've seen him like that. There are glimpses...yesterday, during his lunch hour we were driving on 412 and I glanced at the side of his cheek and saw his blue-grey-green eyes with the feathery blondish brown lashes rimming them and wanted to just keep looking. I told him he was beautiful and that was all I could say.

And then we had one of our worst fights we've ever had last night. The one word I'd use to describe it: ugly. Very, very ugly. Things were said by both of us that we wish we could visit Lacuna and have removed. Maybe more so we can forgive ourselves than so the other person could forgive us. During the Outreach Women's Prayer meeting, so much encouragement was poured over me and our family in prayer. Among the words spoken was Psalm 103. God doesn't just forgive the sins we repent from. He forgives all our iniquities. As far as the East is from the West, so far has He removed them from us. If He kept a record of wrongs WHO could stand?? But with Him, there is forgiveness, and therefore He is feared. It is somewhat the sentiment of Jonah: "I Knew you were a gracious and merciful God and that you were slow to anger...and that you would forgive..." This brought sorrow to Jonah, because he wanted Ninevah to be punished so badly. In spite of all the crap my relatives threw at me, I've never related to Jonah so much as I have since I've been married. This person that you love teaches you constantly that you do not love, but that you will and the way you know you're finally doing it is it will feel impossible. To forgive, to not count the sins, to not have each one repented over before opening wide my hand to take his--this is the Love that Jesus offers me and that Jesse needs from me. The thief on the cross who said, "Save me, when you come into your kingdom..." to Jesus couldn't have repented of each of his sins before saying that--the one act of asking for forgiveness was enough. Jesse asked me for this today, on the phone during his lunch hour. Probably around 24 hours from when I told him he was beautiful. I knew what his heart needed: an absolute, unconditional pardon. And I said I gave it, but that I thought we should talk about everything that went wrong so that we didn't do it again. But talking about the rules we broke, talking about what rules should be there next time never really helped anyone. It definitely never saved anyone--the law just reminds us that we're breaking it. The Spirit who brings life and peace is my only hope. I can't think about what I won't do next time. I can't make Jesse promise what he won't do next time. Our only hope is to be full enough of the Holy Spirit that we limit our own will in the moment to the extent that the forgiveness would eventually require anyway. These are jagged thoughts from a tired mind so if anyone has followed this to the end, your prayers are coveted more than anything and prayerful comments are welcome.

Anderson's Sleep Update

Sorry, everyone, for the very detailed introduction to this issue and then the following weeks of silence. I guess life sometimes demand you live it w/ no time to document it. Thus, my memory of how things have been going is pretty foggy, but I do want to give a possible final account of our efforts. Anderson is going to sleep now with no protest, both at night and in the afternoons. And, when he wakes in the middle of the night (still an issue)--I've made myself get up, give him a bottle in case he's hungry and rock him, and lay him down back in HIS packnplay whether he's asleep yet or not. Last night, around 3 am this process ensued but I was so excited that he just had a tiny little whimper of a protest and then burrowed his nose in his blanket and curled his little knees under him and was back asleep before I left the room.

Alas, for the 1 oclock nap and bedtime we are completely dependent on the Youtube Elmo video and most times he falls asleep around the 15 minute mark where Elmo is bringing in his broken walkman to Luis and Maria, saying his little friend is sick. So...unless anyone has a digital copy of this thing, our future babysitters may be a little doomed. Until we can wean him of this as well. At first, he stayed awake during the whole thing and it was just an attempt at creating a 'winding down' atmosphere...something that would get him to be still for a bit. Then I'd take him into his room, read him a couple stories and then give him a bottle and and sing and then lay him down asleep. The whole thing was actually taking much longer than even our previous routine of singing and rocking with a bottle, BUT he was actually going to sleep 'on his own.' Now, it has replaced story time and singing time and all the traditional bedtime rituals. I am happy that for the past few times he hasn't needed a bottle--he just drinks a sippy of milk while he watches and then falls asleep on one of our laps and we lay him down after that. I am not happy that our baby falls asleep watching tv, basically. Not a habit I want to instill. And yet, it is Elmo. And 80s Elmo at that. So, I know it's not poisoning his brain or anything and I'm thankful that he's at least used to us laying him down and walking out.

So, thanks, Meghan, Sara, and Shannon for your comments and empathy--you girls were definitely ones I had hoped would read and relate to me on this! I'd love to hear more detailed accounts of anyone's experience, although, as I said earlier, most of us just have time to live this stuff and take a shower--not so much time for writing about it. One time saver I've discovered: bathing with Anderson at night w/ Bedtime Bath (the purple stuff). Bubbles!!!

No baby, no cry...

Well, naptime today was almost too easy.  We had had a pretty full morning and even visitors for lunch, so he must've been pooped.  Mission accomplished!   Right around 12:45 I let him start watching a Youtube Elmo video and right around when Luis starts trying to get Elmo to take a nap, Anderson started milling around and so I paused the video, offered him his blanket and sippy of milk and got Just in Case You Ever Wonder out.  Instead of reading him every line, I just started naming the objects, especially the body parts  and pointing.  Before I was even done with the book, his eyes were closed!  I finished, wondered if I should still sing and decided that he was probably asleep anyway and would miss it or that I should at least try to lay him down before he's all the way asleep.  Well, I'm pretty sure he must've been all the way asleep cause there was zero protest.  I did feed him both a banana and milk and I think they're both sleep-inducing...so that works!  We'll see how long he sleeps and how bedtime goes!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Let's Hear it For Crying Out Loud!

I said I'd keep people updated on this and so here we go...it's actually not as bad as I had anticipated.  

Well, last night I pretty much caved and stayed in the room again.  He cried when I laid him down awake and so I patted his back and then he got all giddy and started rolling around, cooing, playing with his blanket.  He even stood up and held on to the side of the packnplay, grinning.  This was not the idea I wanted him to get--just us chickens hangin out in the dark for fun.  So I laid down on the bed which happens to be 6 inches from his packnplay.  Then he started crying again, assuming correctly that if I were asleep, I am not so much available to him.  So I sat up.  I helped him lay down and I guess that little bit of crying got him tuckered and he seemed content to let me rub his back and as soon as I started singing (duh!  He's used to going to sleep to the sound of my voice!) he was out.  So not so bad, but not really going to sleep on his own, either.  

Then today he fell asleep again in the car around naptime and stayed asleep as I carried him in to his bed.  

But, tonight, Hallelujah, was the real deal!  I hated it and dreaded it and probably dragged out our pre-bedtime routine longer than even Anderson wanted.  It was already a late night cause we had company til almost 7 and then did the "Baaa"  (Bath).  Then we had book reading on the couch w/ sippy cup of milk and mommy and daddy.  Then we had final book reading on my lap w/ blanket and bear.  Then we had a couple of songs.  And on song #2 he started closing his eyes and leaning back his head, so I pretty much had to take him in to his bed then.  I laid him down.  He knew what was up and was definitely not down.  Like not down with being laid down not asleep.  I talked to him in a normal voice and said basketball coach sounding things like, "I know you can do this!"  and some mommy things, too.  And I returned a second time w/ the Jesus Loves Me bunny (which I'm afraid was a grand mistake and will be the culprit in waking him in the middle of the night if I don't go fish it out of the packnplay before he accidentally lays on it) and he fell down and snuggled his blanket as soon as I was in there, as if to say, "Good!  You're here!  I can go to sleep now!" but alas, I had to turn around and walk right back out.  And he cried.  I sat in the rocking chair and began asking Jesse if he sounded sad or mad to him.  I was sure it was sad.  Jesse said he thought it was confused and he'd get that that's just what we did now, eventually.  Before our conversation was up, he had stopped crying.  I know it was no more than five minutes, if that.  So all that to say, I'm still dreading doing it again tomorrow due to the ambiguous nature of baby emotions and whether I'm hurting his feelings or not being the question, but we will do it because he seems to be spending a lot less time with those hurt feelings and is deciding just to go to sleep anyway pretty quickly.  And I just really trust the other moms I know who've done this and that they love their kids completely.  Also, I trust the other moms who refuse to do this and that they love their kids completely as well.  I'm kind of a fence rider here, if you haven't noticed.  Mostly, I'm just trying to make it easier on the four of us since there will be four of us very, very soon.  

AGONIZING ferberizing and baby-wising...

Ok, I feel like I have to preclude this particular blog and my upcoming ones with the warning that this will be of absolutely no interest to anyone who isn't or hasn't had to put a baby to sleep before. I know, I never have time to blog, so there must be something in it for me, this time, right? Right. I need to know from all my mommy friends how they think I'm doing, how they did, etc. I know, wasn't I supposed to do this when Anderson was 3 months old or something? But, alas, I enjoyed rocking my baby and singing him my repertoire of bluegrass hits till he was blue in the face or at least asleep and holding him even a little after he'd fall asleep.* Sorry for the run-on sentence there, but it is a good illustration of why our nap and bedtime rituals have had to come to a screeching (and sobbing and wailing) halt. They started to just run on and on. The boy could stare out the window, at a quilt, even at the white walls for a very long time. I would have been through 4 Christmas Carols, 3 bluegrass songs and the traditional Eidelweiss and "It is Well" and he'd still be awake. So, at first it was a matter of convenience for me. Then it occurred to me that in less than 3 weeks, we'll be having our second child who will probably need fed, changed, and other life-sustaining activities performed for him or her. And Anderson's afternoon on Momma's lap will not be an option. So instead of him thinking its the other baby's fault or that we like it more, I figured I should help him learn to fall asleep by himself now rather than later. Also, I decided along with the new way of going to sleep, we'd eliminate the morning nap altogether making it more likely for him to be ready to sleep by 1. He definitely displays signs of tiredness around his usual naptime of 9 a.m., but we just keep going. Talk about running out of ideas for what to do with a 1 year old. Today I finally called some people with kids and convinced them either to come see us or let us come over during the morning time. I have relied way too heavily on Youtube's Wiggles selection and its ruining my headspace...last night Jesse and I were having an intimate moment on the couch and we both confessed that we had "Fruit Salad...Yummy, Yummy!!!" going through our heads.

So, I officially started yesterday, and this is how it's gone so far, as recorded in my written journal:

January 12, 2009 (Anderson's 15 month birthday!!!) Afternoon nap, around 1 p.m.
I waited first 3 minutes then went in and comforted him and then five minutes and went in and brought his 'womb sounds' teddy bear, but without it being turned on. I thought I'd go back in 10 minutes but right around 10, he was settling down and I diddn't want to get him started again. I can't decide fi going in just gives him false hope or makes him know I'm around and provides security. It was just hard because after only 2 oz milk in a bottle and 2 songs he was almost asleep on my lap (in his usual facing-out position across the pregnant belly) but I didn't want him to fall asleep on me* so I laid him in his crib and just as I was about to lay him in, he cried... so a total of 25 minutes, I think it took for him to cry himself to sleep. I guess this is how you do it, but it sucks. It just doesn't seem fair to expect him to 'get himself to sleep' when I've been doing for 15 months. But it will be virtually impossible for him to get to sleep if I have to do it around our next baby's schedule...This is excruciating and nauseating --Jesse's saw woke up the baby and now we're starting over getting him to sleep. I went in and his face was soaked with tears. So I patted his back and touched his face probably for about 5 minutes and then left and as soon as I got up to leave, he started crying again. It seems like he's saying "WHY???!!!" And I don't know what to do. It was 2:35 when I left the room. I'll go back in 5 min. He already seems to be calming down but I think I still hear him. I still hate going back and getting his hopes up. I guess I need to find my books an really pore over them and seeif I can learn something. Well, he was asleep again at 2:40. He woke up crying around 3:20 and I just decided naptime would be over then. I was so glad to just hold him and he fell asleep for a few minutes in my arms but I knew he needed to stay up til bedtime, so I brought him out to see Jesse and he reached for his daddy as soon as he saw him.

Bedtime, 7:45 p.m.
I read to him with him on my lap, starting at 7:12. We'd already had dinner and a warm bath and even a little bit of a warm shower, which always makes him yawn, and then animal crackers and a little milk. He doesn't like drinking milk from a sippy cup because he associates it with going to sleep. He only wants it in a bottle and when he's sleepy. Thus, my hesitancy to get rid of the bottle right now. Next time I will not have the bottle visible at all during reading time because the whole time he just kept pointing to it and whining for it and not enjoying the reading at all. I gave in and gave it to him (only 2 oz, since I knew he wasn't actually needing the milk for nutritional purposes) and then read some more. He actually looks at the pictures of the little board book version of 'Just in Case You Ever Wonder' by Max Lucado. He seems really comforted by it. I've been reading it to him since he was born and we happened to get it at the same garage sale we found our bassinett at. He was still fussy, though and kept pointing to the empty bottle, so I gave in and gave him 4 oz more. After the last bottle and some singing, he was almost asleep so I carried him to his crib, already protesting. I left from 8:35-8:40 and went back and touched, kissed, rubbed his face and started praying over him aloud. He collapsed onto his blanket and tried to go to sleep with me there, seemingly comforted by at least that. Then I left before his eyes were closed, thinking I don't want him to need me HERE to fall asleep. Immediate crying again. While I was awaiting that 5 minutes to pass, I happened to find the "Cry It Out Trauma" heading in What to Expect the Toddler Years and rushed back in to him. The article said that particular baby was horrified at even the mention of a nap or sleep and that had happened after having to 'cry it out' and their advice for that mother was to just stay with her but not to pick her up so that she gets over her fear more gradually. I was ecstatic this was ok w/ them and decided to do it. This time, though, although I stayed doing my usual touching, caressing, patting mommy stuff, he just stood and looked out over his packnplay almost as if he was so deliriously frightened that he was looking for someone else besides me. Also, he may have thought I would just leave as soon as he laid down again, as I had previously done. He's a smart boy, people. Finally, when I turned on the 'womb-sounds' bear he fell down beside it and after two times of sitting up to see that I was still there, he stayed laying beside the bear and let me rub his back til he fell asleep--probaby no more than 3 minutes.

January 13, 2009
Fell asleep in car around 12:10 p.m. on way back from dropping Jesse off at work and going to the park for 10 minutes. Stayed asleep, even as I got him out of the car and laid him in his crib. I kinda got off easy this time, although, I don't want this to be the habit by any means. He didn't officially have lunch, even, just some triscuits and cheese around 11:15, intended to hold him over. It is 2:15 and he's still asleep. I am so not looking forward to tonight and maybe should have spent some time looking for our copy of Babywise during this naptime but I really wanted to have some opinions/advice on this subject as soon as possible. So, I'll keep everyone posted!

Last Summer on the Farm...

The bed is in the room. So is everything else. I should take a picture. Our rechargeable batteries are uncharged and I fear the phone's pictures will never find their way out, so I'll just describe it for now. My main conclusion is that the room is so much bigger than I thought it was. I thought the bed would take up more than half the room, but it's probably just a third. The room is a nice minty green color, although the sample calls it "Weathered Copper."

I'm talking about our new abode, in case someone needs caught up. We recently moved to a farm in Colocord, Oklahoma, to live with our friend Naomi's parents, for approximately 1 year, since Jesse's job assignment is now in Siloam Springs. Breathe....

Which is what it feels a lot easier to do, now that I can go be in my own room for the first time since we've been here...well, we could be in it, but it was void of a 'proper' ceiling, floor, or anything else when we first came (again, pictures would have helped). Just uninhabitable. But with an amazing view. Which is why I asked if we could have that room in the first place. I went in, it was obviously the 'extra' room, without a floor and only a few patches of drywall on the walls, and full of items meant for the impending garage sale. But all I could see was the perfect view of the pasture and the little goats right out there, less than 20 feet away. I think I have mentioned these goats before, but I really do remain impressed with their presence. Today I had a goat encounter, actually.

Moving Day

I just looked at my phone and noticed it's April 23rd, my biological dad's birthday. And while I couldn't feel more estranged from him, I saw the look of a dad in Bruce's eyes as he spoke of how he and Audrey wanted us to come and be in their home for this coming year. Yesterday, my prayer with Laura was centered on the fact that Jesus came to introduce us to His Father and and invite us into the middle of their relationship..."that tHE LOv E YOU HAvE for Me may be in them" John 18, maybe?

Well, I was there when you were torn apart
Now a piece of you is gone
Somehow you wish that you could only find
A little strength to carry on
You've tried so hard to make it on your own
That your heart has come undone
So I am here to prove that I alone
Have the power to overcome
Don't let your heart be troubled
This world will never keep you down
It will never keep you down
So rise up, my friend
No, this will never be the end
So rise up, my friend
And live again
I didn't want you to feel this way
It's not what life was meant to be
And so for you, my friend, I'll take your shame
You can give it all to me
'Cause you've wrestled demons every day
And they've dragged you to your knees
But in your weakness you will learn to find
That I will always be your strength
In life or in death
Through joy or regret
And all of the secret things you have done
No matter what comes, my friend
Nothing can keep you from the love of God

A song I just heard for the first time that I'd like to dedicate to those of us who fear our secrets are darker than the blood on His side. Including my biological dad.