Something I wrote the day (night) Jesse proposed to me.

I wish I had my camera phone still. I would take a picture of the windows in my room letting in the bright yet fading light of this February 12 winter's day. I have so much to say that it just seems easier to look at the tiny yellowish green leaves braving the cold, and wonder if they will stay til summer. ForChristmas, Naomi gave me these two lovely plastic plates with purple dogwoods on them. They perch perfectly on each of the handles of my window. Between them is a picture of the Boondogs and their little boy and big dog. I will be relying on the 10 cups of sugared-in-the-pot, Dulce de Leche Coffeemate-laden coffee previously consumed to fuel this one-sided conversation and not unlike other one-sided conversations we've all found ourselves (not) a part of, it may seem like the one talking is masking an unseemly amount of insomnia. Insomnia is usually unseemly, I would say, unless it is Seymour Glass's insomnia or some guy who is going to propose the next day. Aaahhh... an actual subject. I am so done pretending to be writer now. Was it fun for anyone at all? That's another thing people that drink coffee instead of sleep tend to do, I bet. So there's sort of a reason for the no sleeping thing on my part. "Thank you for calling YOUR 24 hour Walgreen's, this is Shaniqua, can I help you?" That 's my line. Last night I helped a guy from Chicago with an African accent pick out a Valentine present for a girl who he has known for 6 months and came in with a little piece of paper with the word "ALMONDS" written on it. I also met the sweet, waifish German girl who bought some German chocolate, Toffinay or something, and I told her I liked Nutella and she said "Yah, it's so much better than peanut butter. Because it has chocolate. That's the part I really like anyway, the chocolate." We were in total sync. She has Dido hair, almost exactly. As a matter of fact, the night started off really nicely with a Dido song playing and me thinking about my boyfriend during the whole thing and pretty much making sure no one got to leave the store knowing my eyecolor. "And even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the day, and then you call me and it's not so bad, it's not so baa aa ad...NnDAH-ahhh Want to Thank You..." Also spoke with some Turkish-ly delightful girls as well. One girl as white and strawberry blonde as I was but her two friends had some dark chocolate hair and clothes trendy enough to have been borrowed from E., the German girl's closet. They were talking the whole time they were checking out, all using the same credit card to pay for their orders separately. I said "Together?" And they said "Yes." Then when I started to put the next girl's order on the previous, one that spoke the most often to me said one of her total of 4 sentences to me, "Separate." They were a great picture of Together and still Separate in the way they looked so different but the conversation didn't seem to have a starting or stopping point. The language had both the runnning into itself nicely that French seems to and the occasional sharp corners that French doesn't seem to. That coffee is making me take sharp corners in order not to...nevermind. Not going to finish that metaphor. So I have alluded to one thing...I almost gave up dragging everyone around like this but just know I've been along for the ride and all its sudden turns with you and now I just want to say, the ride is so much nicer with Leigh Nash's music. At least the bumps are accounted for and the starkness is stared at squarely. Oh yeah, done being a writer. Right. So, going to push play again on her myspace to the song "Along the Wall."

If you ask me to come, I'll say Go

If you say you love me, I'll say 'Sure if you say so.'

whatever you tell me, I wont believe you

If you try, try to make me

oooo i would like to know which one is willing to lose

All along the wall

Between us

I see a teacher [something 80s in her voice here]

there for us

i look at the wall

i see right through it

there is a door

where I am standing

without a key

without a clue

without you [here she sounded like Jewel]

i am wandering

wondering about you

its a cold cold night

are you gonna call me?

and tell me about

how i go on and on about you

being like you used to be

how it's all

about me

ooo i would like to know

who is the wounded one

which one would make the move?

which one is willing to lose

i see a teacher

there for us

i look at the wall, I see right through it

i lean on the wall

there for us

you're my heaven

and my feet

beyond myself

you're my shadow

i am hollow

all along the wall...

So what I started this all about is to tell everyone about this boy whose voice I make a point to hear every day, more regularly than I brush my teeth, if you want to know the truth. Time to let the fireflies go! I hear you scream. Thank you if you were one of the few who believed they were still alive, slow-moving though they be, and are still reading. Our hands. They seem to know better than us that we should be together. He never seems to be weary of me/mywords/myface/mystupidhairandoutfitsand'lip-lick" but i was reminded by Someone Very Important that

Love is Blindness.

It's a really great song done by U2 and re-done even better, in my opinion, by Sixpence None the Richer. I spent this week with only one contact in, and when I look at how things are feeling in my closest relationships, I'm wondering if Bono's dangerous idea might almost make sense...

With one contact in, you relax a little, because if you hurry too much, you'll trip and stuff. So all that not hurrying (which, I am sure no one in my family noticed the speed-settings change, I just feel it myself) makes you see more of everyone else.

What I've seen of Anderson is that just the promise of closeness goes a long way with that little boy. When I say something like, "Do you wanna be close and show me you wanna be close by working on the same thing as me? i.e. getting dressed, getting a coat on to get out the door for wherever we probably don't need to be as urgently as I want to be "or do you want to be in your room by yourself with the door closed a little?" he is quick to respond with "I wanna be close!" And so I'm trying to remember that being close is what we're after instead of merely getting from Point A to Point B.

What I've seen of Berea is that even though, thus far, she has been an avid hugger/holder, recently she has begun to articulate her thoughts with such precision and poise, that I want to write down every word. She isn't two until February 6th, remember? Of course, when it's time to recall a sentence, I can't. She can talk, ok. And she's really good at it. Best example I can think of right now: "Dat's me." When I felt her foot touching my leg under the dinner table and asked "Is that you touching my leg?" Short sentence, long on clever/timely/adorable-ness.

With Jesse, I have realized that most of the love that is happening, is probably happening when I look away, and so much of my love seems never to escape my chest, either. Only when we get to re-watch the movie, with Commentary, will we notice and feel all the love our days have been soaked in all along. Til then, it's best we both turn blind eyes toward each other and see the rest in the softer, easy light of nearsightedness. To him I say, Glad you are here. Glad you are near. Would only want this nearness with you.

So, these are all accounts of someone seeing someone better, more completely. And in some cases, blindness helped. Here are the lyrics, in case you had them running through your head but couldn't quite make them out:

Love is blindness
I don't wanna see
Won't you wrap the night
Around me?
Oh my heart
Love is blindness
In a parked car
In a crowded street
You see your love
Made complete
Thread is ripping
The knot is slipping
Love is blindness

Love is clockworks
And cold steel
Fingers too numb to feel
Squeeze the handle
Blow out the candle
Love is blindness

Love is blindness
I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night
Around me?
Oh my love
Blindness

A little death
Without mourning
No call
And no warning
Baby, a dangerous idea
That almost makes sense

Love is drowning
In a deep well
All the secrets
And no one to tell
Take the money
Honey
Blindness

Love is blindness
I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night
Around me?
Oh my love
Blindness.