I love when Anderson plays with my engagement/wedding ring as I read to him. It has six diamonds on it, all spread out across three different strands of white gold criss-cross. I've wondered what the significance of the six diamonds are but more than anything, I just found it to be oddly beautiful. I knew I wanted it the second I saw it and I didn't even know the price tag--I just knew I wanted it. Similarly, I knew I wanted Jesse very soon after meeting him, maybe when I finally 'saw' him--a part of him that felt like only I could see and appreciate and that made me want to make him mine. Listening to the JUNO soundtrack he bought me for Christmas, this morning, I heard a line, "Remembering when we first met...I knew I wanted to make you my pet..." and the girl's sweet, sultry twang made the pet allusion fine with me. It seems so long since I've seen him like that. There are glimpses...yesterday, during his lunch hour we were driving on 412 and I glanced at the side of his cheek and saw his blue-grey-green eyes with the feathery blondish brown lashes rimming them and wanted to just keep looking. I told him he was beautiful and that was all I could say.

And then we had one of our worst fights we've ever had last night. The one word I'd use to describe it: ugly. Very, very ugly. Things were said by both of us that we wish we could visit Lacuna and have removed. Maybe more so we can forgive ourselves than so the other person could forgive us. During the Outreach Women's Prayer meeting, so much encouragement was poured over me and our family in prayer. Among the words spoken was Psalm 103. God doesn't just forgive the sins we repent from. He forgives all our iniquities. As far as the East is from the West, so far has He removed them from us. If He kept a record of wrongs WHO could stand?? But with Him, there is forgiveness, and therefore He is feared. It is somewhat the sentiment of Jonah: "I Knew you were a gracious and merciful God and that you were slow to anger...and that you would forgive..." This brought sorrow to Jonah, because he wanted Ninevah to be punished so badly. In spite of all the crap my relatives threw at me, I've never related to Jonah so much as I have since I've been married. This person that you love teaches you constantly that you do not love, but that you will and the way you know you're finally doing it is it will feel impossible. To forgive, to not count the sins, to not have each one repented over before opening wide my hand to take his--this is the Love that Jesus offers me and that Jesse needs from me. The thief on the cross who said, "Save me, when you come into your kingdom..." to Jesus couldn't have repented of each of his sins before saying that--the one act of asking for forgiveness was enough. Jesse asked me for this today, on the phone during his lunch hour. Probably around 24 hours from when I told him he was beautiful. I knew what his heart needed: an absolute, unconditional pardon. And I said I gave it, but that I thought we should talk about everything that went wrong so that we didn't do it again. But talking about the rules we broke, talking about what rules should be there next time never really helped anyone. It definitely never saved anyone--the law just reminds us that we're breaking it. The Spirit who brings life and peace is my only hope. I can't think about what I won't do next time. I can't make Jesse promise what he won't do next time. Our only hope is to be full enough of the Holy Spirit that we limit our own will in the moment to the extent that the forgiveness would eventually require anyway. These are jagged thoughts from a tired mind so if anyone has followed this to the end, your prayers are coveted more than anything and prayerful comments are welcome.